If there was an award for fixating on mistakes, I would win. Physically I cannot understand or accept the fact that I will make mistakes. Every time I make a mistake I feel a wave of disappointment in myself, and it doesn’t even matter how small the mistake is. Once I make a mistake, I can sit there and fixate and obsess on that forever. This is one of the perks of having OCD. I wish that I could make a mistake and move on, but I have never been wired to be this way. Fixating on mistakes is something I have struggled with my whole life, but it has definitely gotten worse now that I am a mom. Every mistake I make I wonder how I am going to affect their life.

Having postpartum OCD was the biggest mistake I feel like I could have made as a mom. I couldn’t understand why it happened to me, and why my brain had to be this way. I felt like I was the biggest failure even though the situation was completely out of my control. All I did was worry that every little mistake I made as a mom would somehow ruin Caia’s life. I ended up taking it to the extreme by starting to avoid Caia because I felt like I would hurt her and ruin her life. It was pure torture. I still look back on this time and hate that I made this “mistake” of having postpartum OCD. Spending two years in therapy has helped me see that it is not my fault that happened to me, but I still get sad about it sometimes.

My daughters are the lights of my life, but I still struggle with the fact that I will have to make mistakes in front of them. Deep down I am afraid I will disappoint myself for disappointing them. I never want to be the reason they are sad or upset. Lately, I have been so scared of ever getting angry in front of them. I try my absolute hardest to walk away if I am upset. Sometimes, I do get angry in front of them though, and that is hard. Yesterday I got upset and yelled in front of them, and I have been crying on and off about it since. I am so afraid that I have somehow scarred Caia for life. I know this is absolutely ridiculous, and that humans get upset sometimes, but I can’t let it go or forgive myself.

Sadly for me, making mistakes is a part of life. Every human being makes mistakes, even moms. My OCD really grabs a hold onto what is most important to me in my life, and that is my daughters. I don’t ever want to make a mistake big enough that it will disappoint them or ruin their lives. As a mom, I am going to make mistakes, but it truly is an uncomfortable feeling for me. I know I would never be hard on my daughters for making mistakes, but for some reason I am so hard on myself. I want my girls to have the best lives possible because I love them so much. OCD makes it hard for me to forgive myself, even when I know my daughters absolutely would. Making mistakes as a mom is going to happen, and I have to learn to accept that.