One of my deepest fears is passing on my OCD to my daughters. OCD runs in my family, so I know it is genetic. Caia is three, and I already see signs of anxiety in her. She reminds me a lot of myself when I was little. I know that anxiety at her age is normal, but sometimes I just feel it is more. Part of me feels serious guilt for the possibility of giving them anxiety, but on the other hand, I know I can help them through it. They will get help so much earlier than I did with my OCD. I was 28 before I was diagnosed.

A little over a week ago, I attended the PSI trainings for the PMH-C (Perinatal Mental Health Certification). I was out of town for three nights. I never have left Caia or Emmi for that length of time. The thought of leaving them stressed me out for months. I knew they would be okay because they were with my husband and mom, but I was still very sad to leave them. I was not prepared for Caia’s reaction. She was devastated. Ever since I have been home, she has been having a really hard time. She doesn’t like for me to leave or for us to leave our house. I feel terrible that I may have caused her harm by going to that training.

The week before I left for the PSI training, we started Caia in a weekly gymnastics class. It is for 3-4 year old kids, so I thought it would be perfect for her. The first week was great; she loved it. Then I left for the PSI training. When I got back, her second class was three days later. My husband took her, and she was hysterical. She cried for me and had to leave the class to come home. I can’t help but feel so bad for her because I feel like my leaving caused her to react this way. This past week, I took Caia to gymnastics. It was a little better, but I had to be in her class with her. I wish I could help her feel better.

Handling my own anxiety/OCD has been a great challenge, but the possibility of it happening to my daughters really scares me more. I never want either of them to have to go through what I have with my mental health. Sometimes knowledge can be a double edged sword. On one hand, I know a lot about anxiety, but at the same time, I am sometimes overly sensitive to situations that may induce anxiety. I want to be able to help Caia with managing anxiety, but I don’t want my help to make it worse. No matter what, I will always make sure she knows I love her.