Honestly, I think this is why intrusive thoughts can feel so scary. They have always felt like to me that they are a possible foreshadowing or prediction for my life. That cannot be further from the truth. Intrusive thoughts do NOT predict your life. They are NOT premonitions. Thoughts don’t equal predictions or actions. They are just thoughts. I have to remind myself of this constantly. It’s as if OCD and intrusive thoughts are trying to protect you from bad outcomes in life, but no one can predict the future, not even OCD.

When I was experiencing postpartum OCD, I had no idea what I was dealing with were intrusive thoughts. Every time a thought popped in my head about me being a potential murderer to my daughter, it would knock the breath out of me. I kept worrying that it was a premonition of my future. My thoughts terrified me, and I kept trying to uncover the meaning of why I kept thinking that I could be a murderer. It turns out, there is no reason for them. They were just a symptom of my OCD that were trying to disrupt my like. Those thoughts held a power over me that I could not fight. I felt so much shame, guilt, and horror, and I did not want those thoughts to be a prediction for my future.

As I recovered from postpartum OCD, I learned that intrusive thoughts don’t need to hold the power over me and ruin my life. They are just thoughts. They will not predict my future. Every once in a while, I still get one that will really knock the wind out of me again. This happened to me recently. Someone lost their baby that was only a month older than my youngest daughter, Emmi. I have really struggled with this. My mind turned it into this could be a premonition for my future. I have had a difficult time leaving my girls and wanting to check on them at night. I hate that something this horrible could happen to someone.

My mind has tried really hard to make sense of this tragedy, and I have to keep reminding myself I can’t make sense of what happened. I keep thinking, “if this can happen to someone else, it can happen to me.” Then I feel sick. When things like this happen to me, my OCD tries to help “protect” me by trying to predict with certainty all possible outcomes, especially the bad ones. I know that will not keep me safe. OCD as much as it tries to, it cannot predict your future. I have to keep trying to live my life and hope for the best. Intrusive thoughts are not a premonition.