Living with postpartum OCD was one of the darkest times of my life. I did not enjoy being a mom at all. I would wake up every single morning dreading have to try to survive another day. My number one fear was hurting my daughter on purpose, so of course I would not be excited to spend time with her. I wanted to keep Caia safe by being away from her, but in turn, that made me miserable as well. I couldn’t do little things with Caia that other moms would be able to do like just sit and play with her. The entire time I was consumed with fear and shame.

When Caia was three months old, I remember my mom set up a photoshoot to get her pictures taken. At the time, I hated being a mom, so I was not excited for this photo shoot. I dreaded the thought of having to do this; I didn’t even want to pick out her outfit. Because of the feeling of dread I carried with me at the time, I also carried a lot of guilt. My mom was so excited for this photo shoot, and I couldn’t understand why I didn’t feel the same way as her. The guilt I felt for not being happy as a mom was suffocating. I did the photo shoot, but the whole time I was so upset at myself for not being happy. Seeing those pictures hurts my heart looking back because it reminds me of a dark time in my life.

Fast forward to my recovery from postpartum OCD, my life is so much happier. I no longer dread waking up every morning to my life. I am so excited to wake up every single day with Caia and Emmi and spend the day as their mom. Being a mom is one of my greatest joys. I love it every single day, even on the bad days. Therapy gave me my life back, and I know this is how I could have been with Caia as a baby. I am so thankful that I was able to get the help I needed to enjoy my life with my daughters again. Every mom should be able to feel this way because we all deserve to be happy.

On Friday, my mom set up Emmi’s three month photo shoot. She will be getting pictures with her sister Caia and our dog Hugs, plus some by herself. This time around, I couldn’t be more excited. I was so excited to pick out their matching outfits and decided how they would wear their hair. Before, I couldn’t have cared less. In moments like this, it shows me how far I have truly come in my recovery. Life is so much different for me now. I am so much happier and stronger. I know for some that it would just be a photoshoot, but for me it shows my growth as a mom. It’s not just a photoshoot for me.