It is no secret that transitioning to motherhood has been difficult for me. I have battled severe postpartum OCD, struggled with gaining a completely new identity, and am trying to be the best mom I can be to my daughters. Ever since I was diagnosed with postpartum OCD and OCD, I have really struggled with making decisions in motherhood. OCD makes it really challenging to trust my decisions, and I question myself a lot as a mom. I love my daughters more than anything, and I want them to be safe and happy. As their mom, I want to be able to protect them from everything, even though I know that is not always possible. Knowing that gives me more anxiety than I have ever had.

During my postpartum OCD episode, I was so concerned with Caia’s safety, that I even tried to keep her away from me, her own mother just in case I was a “monster.” I couldn’t make any decisions as a mom for her because I didn’t trust myself at all at the time. When someone questioned what I did as her mom, I tried to make that change, even if it made me unhappy. That was definitely one of the lowest points of my life. Now that my postpartum OCD is under control, I am trying so hard to spend as much time as I can with her to replace times that we lost together. I am trying my hardest to make decisions as her mother that will be the best to keep her safe and happy.

After my second daughter, Emmi, was born, I felt a completely new side to motherhood I didn’t feel before. I am very protective of her and Caia now. I know that I can make my own choices on parenting, even if it upsets other people. Right now, it is very hard for me to leave either of them, especially Emmi, being that she is only six months old. When people tell me that I need to “just give Emmi a bottle” and leave her, that makes me feel bad as a mom. I am not ready for that yet, and I think that is okay. I have already struggled enough with parenting, and when people try to question my choices or judge them, I really struggle with that.

Right now, I am trying really hard to be a good mom to Caia and Emmi, learn who I am in this new phase of life, and deal with my lifelong OCD behaviors that have kept me unhealthy for so long. It is a lot. Making decisions as a parent is so much more challenging than when you are only making them for yourself. I want my daughters to have the happiest life that they can, and part of that requires me to make tough decisions. In my new phase of life, I am trying to make sure that I am kind to myself because motherhood is hard for everyone. I am never going to be perfect no matter how hard I try. I know that everyone is not going to like my parenting choices now, and that is okay. I have to do what I think is best for my daughters.