My number one fear when I had postpartum OCD was my daughter. I was terrified of being near her, being alone with her, taking care of her, and terrified I would hurt her accidentally, or worse, on purpose. It was the worst time in my life. I couldn’t do anything other than obsess and live in a world of perceived fear that I was a terrible mother. The baby I loved most in the world was also my biggest life stressor. I couldn’t function. Being near Caia would cause me to feel extreme panic, have a huge pit in my stomach, and my heart to race. I never expected that when I became a mother, I would have an extreme fear of my own baby.

Nighttime during my postpartum OCD was the time when it was the worst. My deepest darkest fears would ruminate in my mind with no relief. I never wanted to go to sleep just in case I would sleep walk and hurt my daughter. My husband worked nightshift two weeks of the month. On those nights, I absolutely wanted to die. It was horrible. I would call him hysterically begging him to please come home. I felt so small and embarrassed during this time. Mostly, I wanted to crawl into a hole and just never have to deal with this again. I dreaded the times Caia would wake up for me to feed her. It was hard for me to bring her to my room alone to feed her. That is something I never thought would happen to me as a mother.

I write about that time because I have the totally opposite feelings now. Caia sleeps with me almost every night. She usually stumbles in around midnight with her blankie and stuffed gingerbread, “Gingy.” I used to absolutely dread that time when she was a baby, now I love it. I love her sleeping in my room with me. I honestly look forward to hearing her coming. Before, having Caia be near me like that would have caused my anxiety to go through the roof. Now, her being there has the opposite affect. I feel my heart calm down with her next to me. I never thought feeling like that could be possible, and I am so thankful that it was.

It can be really scary knowing that your baby that you love more than anything became your number one fear. No one ever prepared me for that possibility. I always thought becoming a mom would be the best thing to ever happen to me, and it didn’t work out that way. One huge takeaway from what I went through is that OCD attacks what you love the most, and that was Caia. My OCD was trying to protect me and show Caia how much I loved her by trying to protect her from everything, including me. Now I know that is not true. I have always loved Caia, yes, but I was never a threat to her. Looking back, I can say without a doubt that OCD attacks what you love the most.