Do you ever see a horrible tragedy on the news and think “oh, no that happened to them, it could be me?” That is how I feel constantly with OCD and anxiety. My whole life has always been lived with an undertone of anxiety. I was extremely anxious at all times, and I never felt truly calm and safe. Mostly, I thought that was just how I was supposed to feel, until I was diagnosed with postpartum OCD. That is when I learned that I was living with extreme anxiety that was not under control at all. Every waking moment of my life was consumed by my obsessive thoughts, compulsions, and inability to relax or stop worrying.

My mind is always looking to solve every problem, even the ones that might happen in the future. I want to be able to control every aspect of my world. That is why my OCD is so terrible. I can never guarantee my desired life outcomes 100% and that is incredibly scary to my mind. Every human wants to feel safe, but OCD tries to help you by pretending that if we could just solve every past, present, and future “problem,” then we will be as safe as possible. As much as I hate writing this, I know that OCD is wrong. I will never be able to predict my future, solve every problem that comes my way, or guarantee my life outcomes with 100% certainty.

When I was in therapy processing and healing from postpartum OCD, I so desperately wanted my therapist to promise me with 100% certainty that I would never harm my daughter on purpose. I remember she would say something like, “I can’t say that with 100% certainty,” and that would set my anxiety alarms on fire. Who could I find that would promise me that I would never do that?! The answer was no one. I had to learn to live with the fact that I was a good person, a good mom, and trust myself to know I would never harm my daughter. Reassurances from others doesn’t truly work, even though we want it to help.

I have craved safety and certainty my whole life. I have always been safe, but never able to guarantee certainty for anything. That has been a hard concept for me to accept in my life. For someone with OCD, it is extremely challenging to live in the moment. I really wish I could do that instead of thinking of problems X, Y, and Z. Changes like this don’t happen overnight, and we have to take small steps. When I see horrible stories on the news, I pause, take a deep breath, and remind myself that is NOT my story, no matter how much my OCD tries to convince me it could be mine. OCD will NEVER be able to solve every problem, and we just need to try to enjoy the great things we have now.