Guys, I did not realize that intrusive thoughts can come in the form of statements. I always thought intrusive thoughts were in the form of “what ifs.” I figured this out the other day when my mind kept repeating over and over “You are not a good person.” I started to feel sick. I remember mentioning this to my sister, and she told me those can be intrusive thoughts as well. A light bulb went off inside my head. I have heard that voice say that to me my whole life, especially when I make mistakes.

Recently, I have been filling out my own journal: Set Free A Healing Journal for Moms Navigating Postpartum OCD, Anxiety and Motherhood. There is a section in there that I ask you to fill out 3 things you love about yourself. I could not put one thing down about myself. All I hear is that I am a bad person in my head, and that there isn’t anything good about me to write. That is actually really sad. I know this has to do with my OCD, and it is something I have struggled with my whole life. I have lived with this mean critic of myself in my head ever since I can remember.

Now that I am sitting here reflecting, I have realized I have never been able to truly like or accept myself because my inner voice won’t stop telling me how bad of a person I am. This was something I really struggled with when I was navigating postpartum OCD. I felt like I did not deserve to be a mother because I was not a good person. Bad people like me didn’t deserve to be mothers. I couldn’t live with the guilt or fear of being such a bad person that I would harm my own daughter. That was the darkest time in my life.

Unfortunately, those thoughts are coming back up again. When I feel like I am disappointing people in my life or not doing something in the way that makes people happy, then I am the worst person. “You are a bad person, you are a bad person, you are a bad person.” I just keep hearing that, and it sucks. I know that my OCD is trying to keep my safe with these thoughts, but all they do is make me miserable. I have to keep fighting this battle because I am a good person. I am like any other human that makes mistakes. I will continue to try to remind myself of this because the next time I write in my journal, I want to be able to write what I love about me.