Something good happens, and then BAM!, the OCD doubt starts to creep in. OCD loves to feed off of things in your life you care about deeply and your insecurities. It really sucks sometimes. OCD can turn an accomplishment to an insecurity in a split second. The doubt always follows the same pattern: accomplishing something, then the OCD intrusive questions start. “What if I didn’t actually deserve that? What if people are just being nice to me, and my work is actually terrible? What if I am not good enough? What if no one actually likes me?”

I can give so many examples of where OCD has tried to ruin my life’s accomplishments, but first, I will give you my most recent. Yesterday, I passed my PMH-C exam. However, I failed the first time. I actually handled the failure okay. Normally I would have cried for days, but I picked myself back up, rescheduled my exam, and studied really hard. After I passed, I celebrated for a second, and then I thought, “Do I deserve this? I am not a therapist. I am just a mom with lived experience.” Intrusive thoughts have a way of putting a real damper on good things in life. I know it’s not fair of me to judge myself that way, but OCD really makes it hard not to judge.

Another way OCD tries to ruin my accomplishments is by constantly looking for someone better. Someone who is a better mom, a better advocate, a better employee. It could be anything, but usually it is has to do with what is MOST important to me. Right now that is my family and my work I do for perinatal mental health. Sometimes I really feel like I don’t belong, and I know that a lot of that is my own mind trying to convince me of that. I wish I didn’t think that way, but I do. I have done that my whole life, and it is really hard to change.

Sometimes it takes a conversation with someone to truly remind me that I am worthy of what I accomplish. Even though I failed my first PMH-C exam, I studied so hard for the second one for weeks. I DID deserve to pass as much as my mind would like to convince me otherwise. If we all live our lives looking for someone better than we are, then we will never be truly happy. The truth is we can always find someone better, but we need to be the best versions of ourselves. No one can take our place in life. There is only one YOU. I am going to try to remind myself of this every time the OCD doubt tries to creep in.