I was asked this question yesterday. My answer yesterday was a lot easier to form than it would have been if you asked me 3 years ago. 3 years ago I was just recovering from postpartum OCD and learning who I was a person. I had to learn that about myself before I could determine who I am as a mom. At the time of my postpartum OCD treatment, I felt so much guilt and shame for what I was going through that I didn’t want to be a parent at all. Now, I am so thankful that I love being a mom, and I know what kind of parent I want to be to Caia and Emmi.

I have decided to be the kind of mom that is going to fully be myself in front of my girls. I don’t want to hide anything about how I am from them, because I think that is dishonest. The pressure I have felt my entire life to be perfect is not how I want to live my life anymore. I am not perfect, and I don’t want to pretend that I am in front of Caia and Emmi. They deserve a mom that can be honest about who she is and feel like they can come to me with anything. It is 100% important for me to be a firm but fair parent. I fully intend to be a mother AND a friend. I think there can be a great balance.

Growing up, my parents would always say, “You can come to me with anything.” However, if I did come to them with issues, most times I was met with shame and judgement. I know they were being my parents, but I never truly felt I could be myself without being shamed. I never want Caia and Emmi to feel that from me. It was also hard for me to see my parents as people. I personally felt like they hid most of their human traits from us. As a mom, I do not want to do that at all. It has been really freeing to live my life as myself, and I want my girls to see me in that way. I don’t see the point anymore to trying to pretend that I am not human and that I don’t make mistakes. The more I try to pretend I am perfect, the worse my OCD is, and I can’t live my life that way.

If there is anything I can say I have learned from having postpartum OCD, it’s that I want my girls to grow up in a space where they can make mistakes without feeling bad about themselves. I never want to put that kind of pressure on them or myself again. I hope I can be the mom they trust with all of their concerns, emotions, and feelings. Being myself around them will hopefully show Caia and Emmi that it is okay to be human and make mistakes. This is still a little uncomfortable for me right now because I still struggle with making mistakes myself, but I know that will improve with time. I am so glad I can now answer the question, “what kind of parent are you,” and be happy with that decision.