I truly used to love coming to the beach. The beach was always one of my favorite places. After my freshman year of college, I really struggled at the beach. I know it was OCD related. I felt really left out with my family, and I always ended up having a meltdown. The beach no longer was a place that I looked forward to coming anymore. 

After my freshman year of college, I started fearing that no one liked me, so I stopped putting myself out there. I no longer showed anyone my true self because I couldn’t take the hurt of someone saying they didn’t like me. At the beach, I started to realize that I was different than my family. I just wanted to sit in the water, relax, and go to bed early. My family was the opposite. I felt like I was the black sheep. 

For a long time I had no tools to handle what I was feeling. I would feel so left out, like no one understood or liked me. Those feelings would stay inside until I had a huge blow up. Then I just looked like a jerk. I just felt so lost, and coming to the beach really reminds me of that feeling. For some reason, being at the beach really shows my differences from others in my family.

Being at the beach kind of puts me in a bad place mentally. Every year I hope that it won’t, and it does. Now I’m the only one in my family with small kids, and it’s hard for me to do anything. I wish I was at home where I know my routines. It’s kind of hard to describe the feeling of being out of place. I want my kids to have good memories, but I wish it was at a place where I had some. 

In therapy I learned that it is okay to be different from others, but for some reason coming to the beach makes me resent that feeling. I wish I was more like my family, less afraid of putting myself out there, and wanting to be more social. It’s just not me. I wish I could get to a place where I could love the beach again.