Mistakes and I do not get along. We never have. For some reason I cannot handle making mistakes well, especially when it has to do with something important to me. It is so much easier for me to see the humanness in other people and forgive their mistakes than to forgive my own. I know that it is not fair to do that, but I can’t help it. Every time I make a mistake, I instantly go to worst case scenarios, i.e. “I am a failure, I am going to get fired, I am going to traumatize my children, etc.” Living like that is really hard, and I wish I could be more forgiving of myself.

In the moment of making mistakes, I feel like I am drowning. I almost picture my life flashing before my eyes and how I somehow have ruined all of my hard work. That feeling is so suffocating; it really is. When I make a mistake, it feels like the end of the world for me. When I see others make a mistake, I do not have that reaction at all. I see them as humans and understand. I am working on doing that for myself, but it really is hard. My goal is to be able to recognize my human flaws and move on. I don’t want to live in the space of not being able to forgive myself. It’s not fair.

The fear of mistakes has always attached itself to what is most important to me: my children, my job, my family, and my self-worth. Any mistakes related to those topics is where I struggle. As a mom, I am so scared that I will make a mistake I can’t come back from and ruin my children’s lives. At work, I care so deeply that any mistake I make will get me fired. I am afraid any mistake I make with my family will cause them to stop talking to me. Other mistakes I make usually tie to my self-worth, and if I make a mistake I feel like I am a horrible human. Reading what I wrote makes me kind of sad, because I know that is really harsh, but it is always how I have lived my life.

These patterns are extremely toxic to my life and well-being. I have made it my mission to work on these tendencies because I don’t want my girls to grow up fearing mistakes like I have. They deserve to be able to use mistakes to grow and learn not think they have ruined their lives. I want to start to see that I am a human like everyone else and realize that we all make mistakes. It is almost as if I am the judge and jury, and I have given myself a life sentence for every little mistake I make. Truly, I don’t treat other people’s mistakes and flaws like I treat my own. I want to stop being harder on myself than anyone else.