Caia is going to school for the first time ever this year, and I was not expecting it to affect me as much as it has emotionally. The last four years have gone a lot faster than I have expected. As hard as being a mom is, I love that I have gotten to have Caia this long at home with me. When I started thinking about it, I know that the fact I had severe postpartum OCD for the first year of her life has played a role in how emotional I am. I felt like I lost so much time with her that first year that I wanted a chance to make it up to her with the rest of the time we had together.

When I first looked at the calendar and saw that I have two months left without school, I was overcome with such emotion. I completely lost it. I was hysterical and crying so hard that I was not expecting it. I have worked really hard to overcome the dark period of my life consumed with postpartum OCD, but I have had a difficult time letting go of the guilt I still feel. As much as I know that having postpartum OCD wasn’t my fault, I still get sad knowing I was mentally not present that first year of Caia’s life. It is still hard for me to look back at pictures from that time. I don’t recognize myself. I feel like I missed out on so many good times we could have had together.

The two and a half years I have been healed from postpartum OCD. I really wanted to use that time to try to make it up to Caia. I am so grateful that I was even able to be alone with her and not be completely terrified that I would hurt her. We have gotten the chance to make so many good memories together. From reading books, sitting together, singing songs, going shopping, and just spending time together, I have really tried to be a present mom. I just didn’t expect that time to go as fast as it has. If I could, I would keep her like this forever where we could be best friends and hang out as mother and daughter where I am not afraid to be alone with her.

One of the hardest parts of being a mom is watching how fast your kids grow. I love seeing my girls grow and learn every day, but sadness exists too. The time is so fast. I am really proud that I have been able to overcome postpartum OCD and really repair my bond with Caia. We are truly best friends. If there is one thing I have learned from having postpartum OCD it’s to not take for granted the small moments. All of the small moments I missed by being afraid Caia’s first year of life, I really appreciate now. I know that all kids have to grow up. I am so excited to watch Caia grow, make friends, and learn new things. I just wish I had more time.