I have been on 20 mg of Lexapro for almost two years for my OCD and anxiety. That was a really good dose for me, but I stopped breastfeeding Emmi 4 months ago. Ever since then, I have noticed my anxiety creeping back into my life. I have noticed it is bad at night and when I wake up in the mornings. I am talking the OCD loop that will get me stuck in my own mind where I cannot go to sleep. The OCD loop is the worst. Basically what happens is, something causes me anxiety, and then I am stuck thinking about it and unable to sleep. I have every tool in the OCD box to help ground me, but nothing has worked.

When I first started my OCD treatment in the fall of 2022, I started with Zoloft. I think I only took 25 mg, but it scared me out of my mind. I was not prepared for my symptoms to worsen like they did. I was already terrified living with the horrible intrusive thoughts and obsessions of the fear of harming my daughter. The Zoloft only made that worse. I was so scared that I stopped taking it. I never really gave it a chance. Around that same time is when I made my first appointment with an online therapy platform where the therapist asked if I was hallucinating, only scaring me more, prompting my decision to quit Zoloft.

I went back to my PCP because I still needed help, and they prescribed me with Prozac. That SSRI was not compatible with me at all. I know I tried that for about two weeks. My mom was staying the night with me and Caia during one of those trial nights. I remember crying hysterically saying I didn’t want to be here anymore. I had never felt suicidal before, scared out of my mind, yes, but not suicidal. I know that was the Prozac. My mom sat with me and gave me warm milk with cinnamon. I am so thankful she was there for me during that time. I don’t even like thinking about those times, but they are part of my story.

I found myself back at my PCP, who prescribed me with Lexapro, 10mg. I was already going through such a horrible time that I kept wondering what else could happen. My PCP really encouraged me to give it a chance, so I did. During this time, I was staying at my parents’ house in my brother’s room. I couldn’t get up with Caia because I was so scared of being a murderer, so my mom stepped in for me. I remember trying to go to sleep when I look over and see a pocket knife on my brother’s nightstand. Normally, that wouldn’t have bothered me at all, but in light of what I was experiencing, I lost it. I was crying and threw it into his closet. I couldn’t handle it. It is funny thinking about it now, but at the time, I was terrified.

Back to present day, I was just at my PCP telling them my intrusive thoughts and anxiety have been creeping back up in my life in a bothersome way. They encouraged me to switch to Zoloft, 50mg. I know that one is a little easier to increase the dose with OCD, unlike Lexapro. I just started it this morning. My fingers are crossed that I will not have the scary side effects I did the first time, but I am in a stronger place now. I know in my heart that I am just one of the people that will need to be on an SSRI forever. The pain of finding the right SSRI is worth it for me to get my anxiety and OCD under control. If you have been where I am, keep going, the SSRI’s get better.