I feel like becoming a parent really brings your flaws to the surface, at least it did for me. Suddenly, I was hyperaware of everything I was doing wrong, and all of my imperfections were amplified. I was obsessed with the possibility of my flaws and imperfect behavior traumatizing my daughter. It was all consuming during my postpartum OCD episode, and I can see it coming back up again lately. Most of the time I am afraid my humanness is going to ruin their lives forever and scar them as adults. I know that we are all humans, but it is hard for me to apply that rule to myself.

One quality I have never liked about myself is how I manage my anger. I have struggled with handling anger in a healthy way all of my life. A pattern I experience is allowing resentments and anger to build up and then exploding when it becomes too much. As much time as I have spent in therapy, I still have to work on this quality. Now, I am afraid of getting angry, being angry, or acting “too aggressively” in front of my girls. I know that I am probably being too hard on myself, but it is hard for me not to worry about it. My way of avoiding it, is trying not to be angry at all. I know that is not possible, but I still try. Then I get really upset at myself when I do get angry.

I wasn’t nearly as concerned with all of my issues before parenting. For some reason becoming a mom really made me aware. Sometimes I have noticed this makes it harder for me to make decisions. I don’t want to make the wrong one, get too emotional, or make a decision that could traumatize my girls. I guess really, I just don’t want to be human. This tends to fall into my OCD cycle of fearing making mistakes. Since my girls are so important to me, my OCD has attached meaning to a deep fear of traumatizing them. It is really not fair of me to do that to myself.

As a mom, I know that I will probably traumatize my children at some point. I would never do that intentionally, but I am not perfect. I wish I could be, but I can’t. I know that I am a great mom, but as a human being, I still have flaws. Yes, I do get angry sometimes. Yes, I do express it sometimes in an unhealthy way. That doesn’t mean I love Caia and Emmi any less. One of my new goals is to fear being angry less, and when I do get angry in front of or at my girls, always repair and apologize. I am never going to be able to perfectly contain my anger, but I can always show my girls how much I love my girls and try to repair my mistakes.